My second week of my new job. Actually, it's a promotion. I found an article in the Chicago Tribune a number of years ago and it still rings true.
You Made It by David Graulich c 1996
Starting work at a new Company? Whether you're a junior staffer or a senior V.P., there are certain things to expect about the first day on the new job:
Your boss won't be there. He or she will be on an urgent trip, at a seminar, anyplace but around the office. This must be taught at the Boss Academy: Never, ever be around to welcome a nervous, new employee or make introduction's to the rest of the department.
No matter how you dressed for the first day, you will be wrong. If you're wearing a crisp suit and button-down shirt, your new co-workers are in jeans and Birkenstocks. If you wear Timberland boots and a flannel shirt, everyone else is in full Brooks Brothers.
You will eat lunch by your self in the employee cafeteria, reading a business magazine and feeling like you did in the seventh grade when you family moved to a different state and you were the geeky new kid in school.
You'll have nothing to do so you call up people at your old company and say, "Hi, Here I am in my new office!"
Three people will stop at your door, look confused and say, "Um, isn't this Gloria's office? Do you know where she moved to?"
In the hallway you'll pass the Human Resources person who hired you for this job. She won't recognize you.
Your phone will ring a couple of times. you'll get excited--anything to break the isolation. Turns out that two of Gloria's friends are trying to reach her.
You'll get lost trying to find the photocopy machine, the coffee machine, the ATM, the vending machine and the restroom.
Another phone call. It's the guy from Security, informing you that they've towed your car because you parked in the wrong zone and didn't have an employee sticker.
You keep entering your new salary on a pocket calculator to estimate your monthly take home pay.
The computer rejects your password.
The voice mail doesn't recognize your name.
There's no wastebasket in your office.
You find a stack of Gloria's business cards in the top drawer of your desk
you look out of your door at 5:27 and discover that everyone in your department has left except you.
That's it, your longest day is over It's time to go home. Now, if you could just find out where Security put your car.