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Friday, June 1, 2007

Conflagration for Catholic Lesbians

After many years away from my church of heritage, I was feeling vague longing for some spiritual connection. I wanted to find a church or group that felt familiar (read Catholic) but was accepting of my lesbianism. I visited Dignity in Manhattan, but found that the group was mostly men. They were very welcoming, but, well… it felt somewhat alienating when they were looking for a bar to go to after mass on Saturday night.

After more research I came upon a group I’ll call the Conflagration for Catholic Lesbians. I made contact with a couple of lovely women who offered to drive me to the mostly suburban meetings. I found them to be just the thing. Spiritual, friendly, welcoming sincere. I liked them a lot. Obviously, I was dependant on other people for rides to these far flung places as I was a non-car owner living in Manhattan. After about a year, my two friends mentioned that the group was going to a retreat-like affair at a camp in the Sierra Nevada Mountains in California. It sounded great to me and I had business that I could conduct there at the same time.

I attended this retreat and met interesting people including the two women who wrote Breaking the Silence (a book about lesbian nuns.) The spiritual element was woman centered and the break out groups were very informative. I met people that I would have never met. I loved it.

At the end of the long weekend, I tossed a hundred dollar check in the offering basket and suddenly became of great interest to the two organizing individuals. They offered me a ride back to San Francisco and included me in the activities of their inner circle. I was flattered. I didn’t think it was the check. That was a small amount to me at the time.

When we got back to the city, I got a phone call inviting me to the inner circle.) The inner inner circle was primarily a couple who held the reins tightly. Eventually one of the members of the couple (after much covert courting) told me she loved me and since I was single at the time, and found her attractive, went along for the adventure. (note to self, never get involved with an involved person.) There were protestations of passions, groans on the subway, romantic secret assignations.

Ultimately, after about 2 years, my lover, left her lover and me for my ex-lover's current lover. Dyke drama in the extreme. When I talk to my ex, we still talk about it and the wounds are still fresh.

Oh yes, I was invited to leave the governing body of the Conflagration which was really the point of it all and shamed enough to leave the organization. So I lost what I was looking for in the first place


Anonymous said...

Ah yes, Dyke Drama, indeed. Perhaps I should remember that as an up-side to celibacy on days like yesterday when I'm not sure I can (not) do it?...

Counselor in Process said...

Things have been uphill since then and I've been with my partner-Sue-for 16 years!
I waited 4 years to get in to another relationship