Oncologist today

I have my support group for partners of lesbians with cancer on Monday nights. I skipped last night. I've been having some flare ups of neuropathy from my sci. Which seems like nothing compared to what I hear on Monday nights. I can't write about it, but just try to imagine. SBLis one the the mildest cases. And one women is on her second partner, after number one passed away, oy.
Work has become more, just nuts. The problem with working for the government is that it's just so darn hard to quit-read pension. And if I stay for 3 more years I'll have 15 years which doesn't amount to a hill of beans pension anyhow, but it's more than many people have. So don't let me whine.
My little family is coming from Ohio to give support to BL. That will be gran, aka my Aunt Julie-she'll be 93 this summer-I think-and is still getting around with a walker and playing the penny slots. Coming with her my cousing MM and her partner J. MM came out in life- about 5 years ago after years of me speculating. She's in her mid 50's and though we grew up neare each other-like 1/2 a block, we never really knew each other until our respective parents-her father and my mother-brother and sister who had been feuding since my grandmothers will was read- I was 7, MM was 3-5? That's a long time to hold a grudge!
Also joining us will be the elder cousin J and the youngster-in her early 40's E, the grandchild of gran. All at the beach. We'll have fun!

I really liked this book: "Lifeguarding: A Memoir of Secrets, Swimming, and the South"

This book really resonated for me as it related to many themes of my life, family alcoholism, secrets, protecting my mother. It describes a childhood, growing up in segregated 1960s Louisville in a house with many pictures of relatives who all died suddenly and young. As is the case with most houses infected by the disease of alcoholism, there are many secrets. The McCalls were members of Kentucky society-one grandfather was the founder of the country club. The narrator's father's alcoholism—less and less well-hidden—spins the family into financial turmoil and social ruin, very important in this area of the south of debutantes and country clubs, where mounting bills and her fathers difficulty of keeping a job make it impossible to retain membership. McCall, her older sister, Anne, and younger brother, Curt, are all champion swimmers, although they never make the hoped-for Olympics. Anne the older sister, takes the place of the mother who works three jobs to supplement the household income. Like the novels of Carson McCullers, this book has something for everyone. Highly recommended.

I received an Ipad for Christmas, and since then buying books has become so easy, I've become a real book whore! (As if I wasn't before, snort!)

Another promising entry, also taking place in the south is: "Qualties of Light" by,Mary Carrol Moore. Just reading it now. I'll let you know how it turns out if I like it but it looks promising, but sad.

Read Lifeguarding, You won't be sorry!

Authors website:

but don't go there first...

http://www.catherinemccall.com/

Another Surgery

Beloved came home with scary news last night. She spoke to her doc and it looks like there was another tumor next to the original tumor. And it was a different kind. The surgeon removed both, although she couldn't see the second, I think. We'll be meeting with her today and I'll know more, but the margins were not big enough and BL will have to have another surgery to enlarge the margins. How can this happen and how can you be sure, if there are cells of another tumor, that aren't more tumors? I guess these are questions for the surgeon.

This whole thing scare me to death.

Friday Five Words

Jan posted this thoughtful FF, Words:

"For this Friday Five, please list five words that identify your passions, spirituality, and/or life. Describe as much or as little as you wish."

This is a difficult one, so many words and only five to choose, and I love words!

1. Artistic-My first love was art. From an early age I was drawing and painting and as a kid I had a girl scout cookie box-the big one, that held a bunch of boxed to deliver with. to hold my art supplies, and I carried it everywhere. I was prepared to do my art when my mother was visiting her friends etc. No need to have a fancy tackle box or porfolio, I was prepared. I still have those tackle boxes from my undergrad. degree in Art Ed. no fine art degree in the school of my budget requirement. Still filled with the fine brushes I bought. And the first thing I bought when I came to NY was an oversized drawing table. I belonged to a feminist art collective that rented a huge loft in the village. I think my share of the rent was $25 a month-which was a lot in 1974!

2. Introvert. OK my Meyers Briggs is INFP and I'm the classic Introvert. Being around a group of people exausts me and I need a rest after a wedding or Bar Mitzah-happens to me more than you might think! Why am I a counselor. Hmm...look at the rest of the INFP of the Meyers Briggs Inverntory!

3. Visual-I'm always looking and commenting. I notice things. What people are wearing. Signs. Changed in people Everything. Once when Beloved and I were looking at apartments, we left an apartment and she asked what I though and I said the living room would have bigger without the grand piano. She said "What piano." C'est la difference!"

4. Depressive- Yes I am.

5. Disabled-that too. I have a hidden disability, Cauda Equina Syndrome. I walk with a cane. It's a spinal cord injury, actually an injury of the nerve roots that come from the base of the spine-the Cauda Equina-the Horses Tail. There are a lot of other features that I won't bore you with, but I do relate with the Disabled Community.

Super Bowl with the Catholic Girls

Last night I attended a great super bowl party with the some of the women from the SFX Catholic Lesbian Group that I attend. It was great to be with community and, since I haven't been attending recently, I realized how much I missed these kind, gentle women. I have mixed feelings about going to a church that I really feel a great deal of antipathy to, but attending a group where I have great affection for the women who have great faith there. So, I'm going back to the group.

On the way into the party, I mention to BL that I had gotten some very nice comments about my Blog post Bad Day. (She had suggested I post about it.) Immediately she said, "What did you say? Tell me right now? I want to know etc? Take it down when we get home." My BL the computer expert mixed it up with with Facebook. I splained it to her, and she calmed down, but I'm wondering if I should go private for awhile. I'll have to investigate how to do this and I may have more to say and less people to say it to.

Thank you all for your support.

Had a Bad Day

Those of you who are on Face Book with me may have notice that I posted that I had a really bad day on Tuesday of this week. Monday, Beloved was diagnosed with breast cancer. This, of course, qualifies as a REALY bad day when I got the call at work. But, I think the shock of my partner of 20 years-in April-has a life threatening illness didn't really wear of until we sat down with the surgeon on Tuesday. That qualifies as a bad day. The surgeon was the one who operated on BL 10 years ago for Lobular Carcinoma in Situ and explained everything so kindly. She treated me then as a spouse and still does. She is kind and takes the time to answer questions and seems really smart.

We are also at a world class hospital, Sloan Kettering in NY.

Still the news is good, but you never know. Since BL had the previous illness, she has been followed closely and they found this early. At this point they are talking a lumpectomy-I hate that term and I think it should be renamed a dumplingectomy- and 4-5 weeks of radiation. Surgery is scheduled for 2/16.

Our house is filled with anxiety due to this and some other issues that I won't discuss here but are not about our relationship.

Friday Five Books

Jan posted this great FF: "I hope some of you received books for Christmas presents; I did and have been reading ever since. Then I discovered a new author from those recommendations that pop up on Amazon.com. Instead of buying those books, I've been checking them out at the library, which will not help Amazon's future recommendations for me at all.

So tell us what you're reading, what you would and would not recommend--five books or authors! And if you don't want to do that freestyle, here are some questions:"

So beloved is not from the readers. We learned early on that when she tried to buy me books, I had already read them or was not interested. And when I buy her books, I read them...

1. What books have you recently read? Tell us your opinion of them.

I've been reading 'Trauma and Recovery' by Judith Herman as recommended by my shrink, Very enlightening. A little too enlightening. I read a few pages and cry, read a few pages and cry and repeat.

2. What books are awaiting your available time to be read?

I got a swell new present for Christmas, an IPAD. I've been downloading a lot of stuff, although when I'm in place, I still like to pick up a book and I still like to graze through the Strand Bookstore-one of the best on the planet. I'm waiting to read "Jesus Freak" by Sarah Myles.

3. Have any books been recently recommended?

I'll be searching your blogs to look for suggestions.

4. What genre of books are your favorite, along with some titles and/or authors you like best?

I do love the Jeffrey Deaver, Kathy Reichs suspense, mystery's.

5. What have you read lately that you have a strong urge to recommend? (or to condemn?)

Stay tuned. I haven't read anything lately that I really loved except a series about a family of detectives that I can't remember the author or the titles-happening more and more. The series is hilarious, but, gone blank. I'll ask at work.

Friday Five Christmas Redux

Kathrynzj posted this Holiday reduz: "Yes, I know it's January and yes, I know some of us are still on a cool sprint after only a brief respite (if that) from Advent and Christmas BUT... before we move too far along into The Next, I wanted to give us a chance to reflect onWhat Was.

A couple of staff members and I sat down today and wrote down what worked and didn't work during the Advent and Christmas season. There are quite a few things bearing down on us at the moment so it was a discipline to do it, but ten and a half months from now Future Me is going to LOVE that we made the effort.

And so partly to give us all a record and partly to give us all a chance to reflect on the 2010 Holiday Season now that we are out of it, I ask you this:"

1) What food item was one of your favorites this year - a definite keeper?

Well, For Christmas eve, we went really simple with Turkey, Sweet Potatoes, Peas and ta tum Pastries from a new Italian pastry shop near our new home in Long Beach. This is a going to be a new tradition. Those cookies reminded me of my mothers and they were great!

2) Was there a meal or party or a agathering that stands out in your mind from this most recent holiday season?

It was the Christmas, get-out-of-town. We heard the forecast of two feet of snow and on Christmas morning we were checking the train schedule for trains to the city-that is Manhattan. We played Scrabble on my Christmas gift ipad on the train and that was the gathering that stands out. Those that didn't leave LB-like my boss- were stuck till Wednesday.

3) Were you involved in a jaw-dropper gift? Were you the giver or recipient or an on-looker?

I was the recipient of an overly generous ipad. They say that electronics and gadgets are the gems of the future and I'm wearing it with pride and having a LOT of fun, though a bit paranoid of using it on the subway.

4) Was there at least one moment where you experienced true worship?

I've been praying for a breakthrough in my search for a higher being. I have made a resoulution to try St. James Church in Long Beach this year, but so far no experience in true worship...

5) What is at least one thing you want to make sure you do next year?

See 4

BONUS: What is something you absoutetly must remember to do differently... or not at all!

I have to remember not to stress out, to breathe, to relax and to not take things so seriously. Maybe to take a meditation class or chair yoga something to actively relax.

Friday Five Christmas Past

Not my family

Jan posted this Friday Five:

1. I started talking about my childhood Christmas in a previous post. I had a drunk father who got drunker at Christmas-what a good time!- and an angry non-drunk mother who worked harder at this season. This goaded my father who wanted a stay-at-home wife to have his dinner on the table. This made for a highly anxious little Joanna.

2. Meanwhile I was in a private Catholic School where I sang in the choir, and all things Christmas was good. Talk about a mixed message. I had nobody to talk about re: this.

3. For a long time when I came to NY I had a house in the country-Orient Point, LI and we had a lot of fun at Christmas, including a lot of...you guessed it, drinking. We also gathered oysters wearing tall rubber boots in the cold. A good memory.

4. I've finally started talking about this part of my childhood and my therapist calls it Trauma. I'm reading Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman . I read a few pages and cry, repeat.

5. Now my holidays are mixed holidays are Hanukah and Christmas as my beloved is Jewish. This sometimes works well.

#reverb10- Community

Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011?

This is a difficult season for me. The holidays were a frightening time in my family. My father would drink more than ever and my mother would stay at work longer-because they needed her and because she liked it and it was her community and because she would rather be there than at home. I knew that when my mother finally got home from work, my father would be high and angry and my mother would just be angry at my father.I would pace at the end of the driveway looking for the lights of my mothers car. I would be anxious. Happy Holidays! My therapist calls this a form of Trauma as I still get depressed around the holidays.

Now that we are spending more and more time in Long Beach, NY I am trying to find community there. The time we are spending is currently so short-weekends-that this is difficult, but I have found a nice Episcopal Church-with a gay male pastor! who I have corresponded with, but have not attended the church yet. This will be one way. I have attended some AA meetings there, but not since summer. I have had a meeting with the folks who are trying to start a lgbt community center and have said that I will help them to get it started-they are so young! So I have made a start.

As you can see, I am not quite following the rules of this reverb think, but it is getting me to blog a little more and that's making a bet of a difference, so that's what counts for me.