Perplexed in Church

In the middle of my "church search" I've become complacent. I found a group of Catholic Lesbians and a Jesuit run Catholic church which seems to welcome their lesbian and gay parishioners, with announcements in the bulletin for our meetings! (We're having a recently ordained woman priest at our next meeting and in yesterdays bulletin there was an announcement in a with a border! If the archbishop finds out we'll all be excommunicated...)
Well, to get to the point, I went to an actual mass, after attending meetings for a year and a half, when my Ohio family visited. It wasn't so bad and all my friends were there. They went to brunch after. So I've been going to mass every once in awhile, maybe twice a month. It's been...pleasant, although not quite what I'm looking for, but part of what I'm looking for is community and that was there. Yesterday I attended mass. One of my group said to me, "What are you doing here?" I was dumbfounded. Then I felt guilty-from my years of Catholic schooling. Then I became defensive-with my whole spiel about discernment and searching and attending other churches. I sat through the beginning of the service unable to concentrate on spiritual things, obsessing on what I perceived to be a slight or comment on not attending every week (like a good little Catholic girl.) I finally passed a note saying "I should have said to you: 'I'm here doing what every one else is doing.'
After the service, my regular group disappeared, some to do tabling in the church, my critic to have coffee with her special friend. I was alone to process my thoughts. It may be time to stop my complacency and find a place that will truly serve my needs with a woman on the altar and no childhood baggage.

Where's Waldo-uh Joanna

I'm in Albany, NY.
I spent the past weekend at home entertaining my 89, soon to be 90 y/o aunt and my cousin the CSI from Columbus, OH. It was a lot of fun, visiting and sharing memories. Unfortunately we didn't spend much time touring the city due to the high heat, but did manage to see one off broadway play-Add1ng Mach1ne, which was billed as the best new musical of 2008. I guess 2008 is still young.
I'm in Albany for computer training. It's really a chance to catch up with friends that I've worked with who have moved to other offices. New York is a big state. The training is, well some of it is interesting, but some of it is stuff I already know. I'm not sure what I was expecting.
Update on my church search: Because my family was here, I attended St. Francis Xavier Catholic Church in NYC. I go to their Lesbian Women's Group and march in the Gay Pride Parade with them. It was a shockingly pleasant experience for me. The priest spoke from the pulpit against the two page advertisement condemning gay marriage. It was in the the NY Times (by Catholic organizations)
Gotta go get my stuff together to train at the state ed. building, a very beautiful (inside) building!

Going to Church

(picture of Church of Holy Apostles Soup Kitchen)

It's Sunday and I'm thinking of going to church.

I don't go to church. I've been estranged from church going since probably sometime in my sophomore year in college when my mother stopped going to church and church going was losing it's meaning to me. I was coming to the conclusion that I was a lesbian although I continued to "act straight" having a steady boyfriend for several more years. My mother, I believe was depressed, something that I have struggled with on and off. She became angry with the church-Catholic-I can't remember why. I stopped going because I was feeling that if indeed I was gay, well they didn't want me there anyway. I never felt any community there. I felt like a stranger in the pew. It was my hometown, but it was about 1969 or so, so lots of people were dropping off. I never felt any home at that church. Women could only play one part and that was cleaning the church and altar area. (I always wanted to be an altar boy!)

But now, I'm feeling a deep yearning to find a spiritual community.My partner attends a gay synagogue and I tried that but I was not really a part of the place because I didn't want to convert-the Jesus thing, you know?

I've been reading books and attending the The Saint Francis Xavier Catholic Lesbian Group (:-@) The Lesbian and Gay Groups are out and in public and announced in the weekly bulletin. I'm hesitant to get too comfortable in the Catholic church, because I remember 20 years ago, by decree of the archbishop, the gay Catholic Dignity, who had their masses there, were ordered out. We had a candlelight march from there to the GLBT Community Center and everyone was very angry and sad-I was there. I'm afraid that could happen again with the new regime of the Catholic Church.

In my neighborhood, Is a nice Episcopal Church. I've been reading Take this Bread by Sara Miles. And MomPriest has said that she thinks this denomination might be a good fit.

What should I do?