Visit with New Doc Redux

So, we got there at 10:30AM for a 10:45 apt. Signed in at 2 desks, although Beloved is electronically recorded at Sloan Kettering on the BIG COMPUTER and we have answered the same questions many, many times. The we met with the Resident for about a 1/2 hour, short wait, met with the nurse for about a 1/2 hour-the first bit of information was well you'll be lying on your back. Freak out from BL, who's mother died of Lung Cancer and who DOES NOT, Do you hear me, DOES NOT want radiation anywhere near her lungs. I knew things would go downhill from there... The explanation from the very nice nurse, Holly. It seems that they explain generally, and that was only one way that they position people. Oy.

Then finally the Doc comes in. She was small, asian, poised, and it could have just been that she was wearing Christian Louboutin pumps. BL started in on her story, and the doc with the unfortunate name, said "why don't I just let you talk and I'll answer your questions. Near the end of the soliloquy, she said I suggest you get a second opinion and then consider your options. She suggested another hospital.

It was my day off, and I was supposed to see my hairdresser after, but I went home and fell dead asleep, woke up enough to cancel my appointment, and went back to sleep. I was awake in time to go to my Lesbian Cancer caregivers and partners support group. It's great, the leader is great, the women are great. After we had a focus group with food and more women from previous groups. Also great.

Visit With a New Doc Today

She's the doc that reads the Oncotype (this specialized graph that indicated the type of tumor and the likelihood of recurrence in the distant future (per their website and as I understand it.) This is the third doc, surgeon, Oncologist, and Radiologist and Onco-Radiologist with the unfortunate name of Dr. Ho! They have all been lovely to date. All youngish-from my point of view-women who seem to be really, really smart. And kind and willing to answer BL's endless questions. Let's hope Dr. Ho fits the mold.

Things at home have been tense. I have been feeling left out. BL has a whole crop of advisors. She leans toward the homeopathic/natural, I the alopathic, "listen to your doctor." Which has led to some conflict. I feel that she has been shutting me out. Naturally our couple counselor has been out of town for two weeks.

The bright spot is my support givers and partners group at the lgbt center, tonight it's followed by a focus group which included dinner. Woo hoo!! I really like the women in the group and look forward to seeing them every week.

Friday Five Quick Pick

Kathrynxj posted this Friday Five:

"We're in the midst of 'it' and I'm hoping that it is not just me who is starting to get a bit overwhelmed. So for today I am asking for five quick picks of things that are good in your life. And as a bonus, 1 pick for a thing you could do without.
If you want to describe them? Great.
If not? That's fine too."

So, here's mine,

1. Very cold water and lots of it.

2. Chocolate, of course.

3. Books, of course and reading on the subway.

4. A life of the spirit.

5. My drink of choice, Coca Cola.

*And what could I give up...my present job (but not my practive)-If I could afford it, which I cannot at the present time alas.

Management Lessons Part II

Back Story: Tuesday I was the senior counselor on duty, meaning I was the go to person for all problems actual and by phone. All other senior staff seemed to be out, either sick or mia! At about 1:00 my manager came in and I was sitting in her office. She showed me a report that related environmental problems that had been reported in our office. There had been numerous complaints of upper respiratory infections and allergies and even sever allergy problems (me.) So as I read the report I took pictures with my iphone (so handy.) so that I could look up the molds when I got to a computer. Ad it turns out, some of the molds and fungi are quite dangerous!

We had a staff meeting yesterday. I was sitting up front with the management team.

when we got to the part of the meeting to talk about the report, she said that the inspection had been done and there was a report and a clean up was going to be done. I piped up and said that perhaps she should tell the staff what molds were discovered. She said that the report did not say.

I'm talking about a person who had been a close friend and mentor. Or as Friedrich Nietzsche said: “‎I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you"

I'm not upset that you lied to me, I'm upset that from now on I can't believe you”

Oncologist today

I have my support group for partners of lesbians with cancer on Monday nights. I skipped last night. I've been having some flare ups of neuropathy from my sci. Which seems like nothing compared to what I hear on Monday nights. I can't write about it, but just try to imagine. SBLis one the the mildest cases. And one women is on her second partner, after number one passed away, oy.
Work has become more, just nuts. The problem with working for the government is that it's just so darn hard to quit-read pension. And if I stay for 3 more years I'll have 15 years which doesn't amount to a hill of beans pension anyhow, but it's more than many people have. So don't let me whine.
My little family is coming from Ohio to give support to BL. That will be gran, aka my Aunt Julie-she'll be 93 this summer-I think-and is still getting around with a walker and playing the penny slots. Coming with her my cousing MM and her partner J. MM came out in life- about 5 years ago after years of me speculating. She's in her mid 50's and though we grew up neare each other-like 1/2 a block, we never really knew each other until our respective parents-her father and my mother-brother and sister who had been feuding since my grandmothers will was read- I was 7, MM was 3-5? That's a long time to hold a grudge!
Also joining us will be the elder cousin J and the youngster-in her early 40's E, the grandchild of gran. All at the beach. We'll have fun!

I really liked this book: "Lifeguarding: A Memoir of Secrets, Swimming, and the South"

This book really resonated for me as it related to many themes of my life, family alcoholism, secrets, protecting my mother. It describes a childhood, growing up in segregated 1960s Louisville in a house with many pictures of relatives who all died suddenly and young. As is the case with most houses infected by the disease of alcoholism, there are many secrets. The McCalls were members of Kentucky society-one grandfather was the founder of the country club. The narrator's father's alcoholism—less and less well-hidden—spins the family into financial turmoil and social ruin, very important in this area of the south of debutantes and country clubs, where mounting bills and her fathers difficulty of keeping a job make it impossible to retain membership. McCall, her older sister, Anne, and younger brother, Curt, are all champion swimmers, although they never make the hoped-for Olympics. Anne the older sister, takes the place of the mother who works three jobs to supplement the household income. Like the novels of Carson McCullers, this book has something for everyone. Highly recommended.

I received an Ipad for Christmas, and since then buying books has become so easy, I've become a real book whore! (As if I wasn't before, snort!)

Another promising entry, also taking place in the south is: "Qualties of Light" by,Mary Carrol Moore. Just reading it now. I'll let you know how it turns out if I like it but it looks promising, but sad.

Read Lifeguarding, You won't be sorry!

Authors website:

but don't go there first...

http://www.catherinemccall.com/

Another Surgery

Beloved came home with scary news last night. She spoke to her doc and it looks like there was another tumor next to the original tumor. And it was a different kind. The surgeon removed both, although she couldn't see the second, I think. We'll be meeting with her today and I'll know more, but the margins were not big enough and BL will have to have another surgery to enlarge the margins. How can this happen and how can you be sure, if there are cells of another tumor, that aren't more tumors? I guess these are questions for the surgeon.

This whole thing scare me to death.

Friday Five Words

Jan posted this thoughtful FF, Words:

"For this Friday Five, please list five words that identify your passions, spirituality, and/or life. Describe as much or as little as you wish."

This is a difficult one, so many words and only five to choose, and I love words!

1. Artistic-My first love was art. From an early age I was drawing and painting and as a kid I had a girl scout cookie box-the big one, that held a bunch of boxed to deliver with. to hold my art supplies, and I carried it everywhere. I was prepared to do my art when my mother was visiting her friends etc. No need to have a fancy tackle box or porfolio, I was prepared. I still have those tackle boxes from my undergrad. degree in Art Ed. no fine art degree in the school of my budget requirement. Still filled with the fine brushes I bought. And the first thing I bought when I came to NY was an oversized drawing table. I belonged to a feminist art collective that rented a huge loft in the village. I think my share of the rent was $25 a month-which was a lot in 1974!

2. Introvert. OK my Meyers Briggs is INFP and I'm the classic Introvert. Being around a group of people exausts me and I need a rest after a wedding or Bar Mitzah-happens to me more than you might think! Why am I a counselor. Hmm...look at the rest of the INFP of the Meyers Briggs Inverntory!

3. Visual-I'm always looking and commenting. I notice things. What people are wearing. Signs. Changed in people Everything. Once when Beloved and I were looking at apartments, we left an apartment and she asked what I though and I said the living room would have bigger without the grand piano. She said "What piano." C'est la difference!"

4. Depressive- Yes I am.

5. Disabled-that too. I have a hidden disability, Cauda Equina Syndrome. I walk with a cane. It's a spinal cord injury, actually an injury of the nerve roots that come from the base of the spine-the Cauda Equina-the Horses Tail. There are a lot of other features that I won't bore you with, but I do relate with the Disabled Community.

Super Bowl with the Catholic Girls

Last night I attended a great super bowl party with the some of the women from the SFX Catholic Lesbian Group that I attend. It was great to be with community and, since I haven't been attending recently, I realized how much I missed these kind, gentle women. I have mixed feelings about going to a church that I really feel a great deal of antipathy to, but attending a group where I have great affection for the women who have great faith there. So, I'm going back to the group.

On the way into the party, I mention to BL that I had gotten some very nice comments about my Blog post Bad Day. (She had suggested I post about it.) Immediately she said, "What did you say? Tell me right now? I want to know etc? Take it down when we get home." My BL the computer expert mixed it up with with Facebook. I splained it to her, and she calmed down, but I'm wondering if I should go private for awhile. I'll have to investigate how to do this and I may have more to say and less people to say it to.

Thank you all for your support.

Had a Bad Day

Those of you who are on Face Book with me may have notice that I posted that I had a really bad day on Tuesday of this week. Monday, Beloved was diagnosed with breast cancer. This, of course, qualifies as a REALY bad day when I got the call at work. But, I think the shock of my partner of 20 years-in April-has a life threatening illness didn't really wear of until we sat down with the surgeon on Tuesday. That qualifies as a bad day. The surgeon was the one who operated on BL 10 years ago for Lobular Carcinoma in Situ and explained everything so kindly. She treated me then as a spouse and still does. She is kind and takes the time to answer questions and seems really smart.

We are also at a world class hospital, Sloan Kettering in NY.

Still the news is good, but you never know. Since BL had the previous illness, she has been followed closely and they found this early. At this point they are talking a lumpectomy-I hate that term and I think it should be renamed a dumplingectomy- and 4-5 weeks of radiation. Surgery is scheduled for 2/16.

Our house is filled with anxiety due to this and some other issues that I won't discuss here but are not about our relationship.