Spirituality Oy, cont.

Spirituality Oy! cont.

The story of my relationship with my partner’s synagogue and me has a long history.

We have the early relationship where I tried to fit in to please my new lover and her people. I followed the prayer book- (bencher?), attempting to say the prayers and sit and stand at the right time, and sing with the choir- they don’t tell you in the prayer book how many verses to sing or how many times to sing the refrain. I’m not sure the congregation even knows, it seems to depend on the mood of the choir director (I’ve always had a slight crush on her- digression) I felt slightly nervous, not sure whether I stuck out as not belonging, but I don’t really think so, but you never know. The whole style of the service seemed similar to a Catholic mass but much, much longer with a lot more socializing before and after and even during as people wandered outside to take a break and talk. Good byes took forever!

Then we got comfortable as lovers do. Sue became the co-director of the monthly Friday night dinners before services and I would join her and even help set up. I got to know some of the people, we made friends. I invited my Catholic friends and relatives to the dinners when they were in distress. I would even come for dinner sometimes and skip the service because those services were so long and I had my other meeting that night. The rabbi seemed so nice and welcoming. After the dinner there were prayers and singing (benching.) I all felt very welcoming and comfortable. I felt happy there. I ran into people I knew from my work life. Then, suddenly, Sue was no longer in charge of the monthly dinners. She was not told, she was not fired. The shul just started planning a later dinner and someone else was planning them without her input. She had finally found a volunteer job she enjoyed and she was out without a thankyou or notice. I thought this was strange and cruel. (I had worked for two organizations as a professional volunteer director and I know about these things.)

9/11 happened. The world in NYC became an unsafe and scary place. My cousin’s wife lost her life in tower two. We were looking for refuge wherever we could find it. Sue and I went to a special service at CBST. The rabbi was especially comforting and assuring, yet strong. It felt like a safe space. I thought again, should I convert. We were already celebrating all the Jewish holidays and none of the Christian ones and we were both satisfied and happy with that.

Several months later over lunch at Neiman Marcus, Sue proposed. I said yes. We began to plan for our wedding. I wanted to elope to Canada. Sue wanted a traditional Jewish wedding. We approached the rabbi-actually we didn’t approached the rabbi, we talked to friends who told us that the rabbi would not marry a Jew and a non-Jew (the rabbi’s language.) WHAT? (my language.) The largest gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender synagogue in the world was rejecting ME! (to be continued)

What kind of cake are you?

You Are a Chocolate Cake

Fun, comforting, and friendly. You are a true classic, and while you're not super cutting edge, you're high quality. People love your company - and have even been known to get addicted to you.

What Kind of Cake Are You?

So I've Been Searching for an Acceping Religion

And into my e-mail arrives Beliefnet with What Religion Are You:
1. Liberal Quakers (100%)
2. Reform Judaism (92%)
3. Unitarian Universalism (91%)
4. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (89%)
5. Neo-Pagan (86%)
6. Orthodox Quaker (78%)
7. Sikhism (75%)
8. Mahayana Buddhism (71%)
9. New Age (67%)
10. Bahá'í Faith (65%)
11. Secular Humanism (63%)
12. Orthodox Judaism (63%)
13. Theravada Buddhism (61%)
14. Hinduism (60%)
15. Jainism (60%)
16. Seventh Day Adventist (54%)
17. Taoism (53%)
18. Islam (52%)
19. New Thought (52%)
20. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (49%)
21. Scientology (49%)
22. Eastern Orthodox (47%)
23. Roman Catholic (47%)
24. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (44%)
25. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (36%)
26. Nontheist (32%)
27. Jehovah's Witness (29%)
Hmmm Mayb I better check those Quakers out!. Glad it's not Scientology or Jehovah's Witness. I notice B'ahi ( my unusual cousin)-is higher than Roman Catholic-my religion of heritage.

Gay Pride and Gay Pleasure

The announcement read: A RAINBOW OF BLESSINGS:
An Evening of Remembrance, Celebration & Prayer
Catholic Lesbians -Happy Pride!

We look forward to spending this time together as our members Paula, Mary and Roe lead us in Scripture, prose and poetry, in a candle-lighting ritual, and in remembering what it was like to come out. Please bring a beverage or snack to share.

So, I got home from work, took a short disco nap (those were the days, those days have changed.) And I went to Gristedes to pick up some snacks to share. I really like this group. And Sue was going to come tonight. I had been coming to the group for maybe 5-6 months, just getting to know some of the women and the occasional man. Two of the women had come to the group I had at the synagogue which I thought was spectacular considering the lackluster response we got from the CBST congregation.
Sue was coming. I didn’t know how I felt about that…
I got dressed-nicely. When I got there I saved her a seat, my love of 16 years. She was meeting me there. I was greeted warmly by the regulars and I met the newcomers. The program was starting and Sue walked in. I was thrilled to see her, my partner, my better half, a whole of her own as I am, but linked in a way seen to the others. I got her a plate of refreshments, she’s always hungry. I was getting hungry, too. She was here.
As we went around the room to introduce ourselves, and the circle came to Sue first and then me. I realized how I felt when I started crying as I spoke. It was very important that she share this experience with me. I was glad that she was here with my people after all of these years of being with her people. We were sharing.

ENTRE' ACT Pass Day

In my office, we have the option of working longer hours and then taking a day off, either every week or every other week. I have chosen every other week. Today's the day, my own personal holiday. Free to do whatever I choose! The life of Riley....no wait. Today I have my therapist, my neurologist, shopping, art class, and, and.
Oh well. When else would I have to do those things?

Spirituality, Oy (continued)

I distanced myself from CBST-the synagogue my partner attends for several years after the marriage incident, attending only special occasions and retreats. At the retreats, I would stay in the background except when I had a chance to get one of the rabbi's aside. Then I would comment that we had met with a group after our wedding to see how the shul could better accomodate mixed religion couples, then there was no follow up.
This past year, I got a phone call from the president of the board asking me to help organize a class in the Lehrhaus (adult education) with a rabbinic intern, to address this issue. Although the idea of charging for this organizing effort rankled, I went along with it, along the way enlisting another active member of the shul who also happens to be a member of another faith. We met a number of times and hammered out the 'class.' We passed out 150 flyers at services at CBST, 7 at Saint Francis Xavier Lesbian Group and managed to get the required 6, 4 from CBST (including our partners) 2 from SFX and us. The group was useful, but discouraging in it's size. We had no committment to carry on after the end (which I was hopeing for.
The retreat was coming up and I was feeling that there was some momentum started, so I called the retreat organizer. She was enthusiastic and scheduled us for Friday night at 10:45 (way past my bedtime!)
Friday night came and we had a large group, about 15 people. They started telling wrenching stories about being refused marriage-similar to ours. They made us feel that we were not alone in the shul. If there were this many in a retreat of about 60 people, how many else could there be? Suddenly, the head rabbi, Sharon showed up and her presence really quelled any active discussion. She announced that she had come to a place where she could do a mixed marriage in the Jewish style. While people were happy, I felt that this was not the time or place for this discussion and she took attention away from the process we had going on and moved it to her agenda (to be continued)

ENTRE' ACT Happy Weekend

I'm going to help Sue to pick out new glasses then will spend some time at the pool (read my beach on 42nd St,) The deck is open and the roof is glass, Yay. Then dinner with a friend tonight and who knows what for tomorrow.
Think I'll go back to bed!

Conflagration for Catholic Lesbians

After many years away from my church of heritage, I was feeling vague longing for some spiritual connection. I wanted to find a church or group that felt familiar (read Catholic) but was accepting of my lesbianism. I visited Dignity in Manhattan, but found that the group was mostly men. They were very welcoming, but, well… it felt somewhat alienating when they were looking for a bar to go to after mass on Saturday night.

After more research I came upon a group I’ll call the Conflagration for Catholic Lesbians. I made contact with a couple of lovely women who offered to drive me to the mostly suburban meetings. I found them to be just the thing. Spiritual, friendly, welcoming sincere. I liked them a lot. Obviously, I was dependant on other people for rides to these far flung places as I was a non-car owner living in Manhattan. After about a year, my two friends mentioned that the group was going to a retreat-like affair at a camp in the Sierra Nevada Mountains in California. It sounded great to me and I had business that I could conduct there at the same time.

I attended this retreat and met interesting people including the two women who wrote Breaking the Silence (a book about lesbian nuns.) The spiritual element was woman centered and the break out groups were very informative. I met people that I would have never met. I loved it.

At the end of the long weekend, I tossed a hundred dollar check in the offering basket and suddenly became of great interest to the two organizing individuals. They offered me a ride back to San Francisco and included me in the activities of their inner circle. I was flattered. I didn’t think it was the check. That was a small amount to me at the time.

When we got back to the city, I got a phone call inviting me to the inner circle.) The inner inner circle was primarily a couple who held the reins tightly. Eventually one of the members of the couple (after much covert courting) told me she loved me and since I was single at the time, and found her attractive, went along for the adventure. (note to self, never get involved with an involved person.) There were protestations of passions, groans on the subway, romantic secret assignations.

Ultimately, after about 2 years, my lover, left her lover and me for my ex-lover's current lover. Dyke drama in the extreme. When I talk to my ex, we still talk about it and the wounds are still fresh.

Oh yes, I was invited to leave the governing body of the Conflagration which was really the point of it all and shamed enough to leave the organization. So I lost what I was looking for in the first place

Spirituality, Oy!

I excommunicated myself from the Catholic Church when I was in high school and realized that the feeling I had for other girls were real and valid. I kept attending the school until graduation but stopped receiving the sacraments. I kept going to Sunday mass until my mother stopped because of her depression-probably my sophomore year in college. Then I felt that I had no need to go. I never discussed it with my mother, and she was never diagnosed.
I dated boys in college. This was the lasted 60’s to early 70’s, but ultimately came our in 1971 at the Kent State Gay Liberation Front.
Immediately after graduation, I left Ohio and moved to NY to become a lesbian. I never thought about religion or spirituality, until some things happened in my late 30’s. I though about exploring what was happening with gays and lesbians in the Catholic Church. I attended Dignity, the g&L Catholic organization and found that, in NYC at least, it was primarily men. After much research I found the Conference for Catholic Lesbians. This was a small group that got together and met in each others homes, made their own liturgy and socialized. I was fine with this until I got involved with the politics of the organization. Then it didn’t work out for me.
Years passed. I met and settled down with my spouse. She is Jewish and when we met she said she said she was an atheist and I said I was agnostic-the easy out of fallen Catholics everywhere. Shortly after we met, her mother got sick and passed away. She started attending Congregation Beth Simchat Torah. Eventually she got more involved (in CBST) and we got more involved. She proceeded from attending to say Kaddish to attending every Friday and holidays, quoting the rabbi’s drash and serving as the committee chair for the Friday dinners. She asked me to attend some services, and I did. I started to enjoy the community, the music, and the exuberance. I didn’t enjoy the long services after a day’s work.
After 9/11 we decided we wanted to formalize our relationship, to marry in front of our friends and family. My idea was to go to a place where marriage was legal and find a justice of the peace, but Sue wanted a Jewish wedding. We went to the rabbi of the only glbt congregation in New York City. She said she could not marry a Jew and a non-Jew. (They would rent us the synagogue.)
We eventually found a wonderful rabbi and had a great wedding, but it changed the way we felt about CBST. (to be continued)

Meditation

I took a class in Mindfulness Meditation several years ago. This is a kind of meditation that is primarily used for stress reduction and is also the subject of Jon Kabat-Zinn's best-selling book, Full Catastrophe Living: Using the Wisdom of Your Body and Mind to Face Stress, Pain, and Illness (Delta, 1990) and Saki Santorelli's book, Heal Thy Self: Lessons on Mindfulness in Medicine (Random House, 1999). Since I took this class, I did a group at the office which worked well and helped calm my day as well as that of my co-workers. I still automatically do this practice when I get into a stressful situation or want to refresh my day. I recomend it!